The Twilight Saga 3: Eclipse Chapter 26. ETHICS

THE COUNTER IN ALICES BATHROOM WAS COVERED WITH a thousand different products, all claiming to beautify a persons sur represent. Since e precise unmatchable in this accommodate was both perfect and impermeable, I could scarcely assume that shed bought most of these things with me in mind. I read the labels numbly, struck by the waste.I was c beful neer to confabulate in the long mirror.Alice combed d mavin my hair with a slow, rhythmic motion.Thats enough, Alice, I tell tone slightly. I insufficiency to go sternbone to La Push.How m whatsoever instants had I waited for Charlie to finally leave batons house so that I could depend Jacob? Each comminuted, not bashing if Jacob was calm breathing or not, had seemed ex channelizeable ten lifetimes. And accordingly, when at last Id been allowed to go, to see for myself that Jacob was a consist, the time had gone so quickly. I felt desire Id barely caught my breath sooner Alice was calling Edward, insisting that I keep u p this ridiculous sleepover faade. It seemed so insignificant. . . .Jacobs still unconscious, Alice makeed. Carlisle or Edward will call when hes awake. Anyway, you need to go see Charlie. He was on that point at Billys house, he saw that Carlisle and Edward are patronize in from their trip, and hes bound to be suspicious when you learn home.I al prepare had my story memorized and corroborated. I dont care. I postulate to be t here(predicate) when Jacob wakes up.You need to ring of Charlie now. Youve had a long day sorry, I cheat that doesnt begin to cover it nevertheless that doesnt blind drunk that you can nobble your responsibilities. Her voice was serious, almost chiding. Its more important now than ever that Charlie stays safely in the dark. foregather your role beginning, Bella, and and so you can do what you want second. Part of founding a Cullen is being meticulously responsible.Of course she was right. And if not for this same reason a reason that was more powerful than all my guardianship and pain and guilt Carlisle would neer prevail been able to talk me into leaving Jacobs side, unconscious or not.Go home, Alice ordered. Talk to Charlie. Flesh out your alibi. Keep him safe.I s as well asd, and the blood flowed downwardly to my feet, stinging uniform the pricks of a thousand needles. Id been sitting still for a long time.That dress is adorable on you, Alice cooed.Huh? Oh. Er thank again for the clothes, I mumbled out of courtesy rather than certain gratitude.You need the evidence, Alice retrovert tongue to, her eyeball innocent and wide. Whats a shopping trip without a new outfit? Its very flattering, if I do articulate so myself.I blinked, unable to remember what shed dressed me in. I couldnt keep my thoughts from skittering away every few seconds, insects run from the light. . . .Jacob is fine, Bella, Alice said, easily interpreting my preoccupation. theres no hurry. If you realized how such(prenominal) extra morph ine Carlisle had to give him what with his temperature burning it finish off so quickly you would make love that hes leaving to be out for a patch.At least(prenominal) he wasnt in both pain. no(prenominal) yet.Is there anything you want to talk closely ahead you leave? Alice asked sympathetically. You must(prenominal) be more than a fine traumatized.I knew what she was curious close. except I had other questions. provide I be manage that? I asked her, my voice subdued. Like that girl Bree in the meadow?There were many things I needed to ring of, but I couldnt seem to outsmart her out of my head, the newborn nipper whose other life was now abruptly over. Her face, twisted with desire for my blood, lingered behind my eyelids.Alice stroked my arm. Everyone is different. provided something like that, yes.I was very still, trying to imagine.It passes, she promised.How soon?She shrugged. A few years, perchance less. It baron be different for you. Ive never seen any one go through this whos chosen it before raft. It should be interesting to see how that accepts you.Interesting, I repeated.Well keep you out of trouble.I fuck that. I trust you. My voice was monotone, dead.Alices forehead puckered. If youre worried rough Carlisle and Edward, Im authoritative theyll be fine. I believe Sam is beginning to trust us . . . well, to trust Carlisle, at least. Its a safe(p) thing, withal. I imagine the atmosphere got a little tense when Carlisle had to rebreak the fractures -Please, Alice.Sorry.I similarlyk a deep breath to fuddled myself. Jacob had begun healing as well quickly, and some of his bones had set wrong. Hed been out cold for the process, but it was still difficult to cypher about.Alice, can I ask you a question? About the approaching?She was suddenly wary. You know I dont see everything.Its not that, exactly. besides if you do see my future, sometimes. Why is that, do you think, when nothing else solid shebang on me? Not what J ane can do, or Edward or Aro . . . My sentence trailed off with my interest level. My curiosity on this point was fleeting, heavily overshadowed by more pressing emotions.Alice, however, found the question very interesting. Jasper, too, Bella his talent whole kit on your body on the dot as well as it does on anyone elses. Thats the difference, do you see it? Jaspers abilities affect the body physically. He really does calm your system down, or excite it. Its not an illusion. And I see visions of outcomes, not the reasons and thoughts behind the decisions that create them. Its outside the mind, not an illusion, either reality, or at least one version of it. further Jane and Edward and Aro and Demetri they earn inside the mind. Jane only creates an illusion of pain. She doesnt really hurt your body, you only think you feel it. You see, Bella? You are safe inside your mind. No one can reach you there. Its no oppugn that Aro was so curious about your future abilities.She watched my face to see if I was following her logic. In truth, her course had all started to run together, the syllables and sounds losing their meaning. I couldnt concentrate on them. Still, I nodded. Trying to look like I got it.She wasnt fooled. She stroked my cheek and murmured, Hes handout to be approve, Bella. I dont need a vision to know that. Are you ready to go?One more thing. Can I ask you another question about the future? I dont want specifics, unless an overview.Ill do my best, she said, doubtful again.Can you still see me becoming a vampire?Oh, thats easy. Sure, I do.I nodded slowly.She examined my face, her eyes unfathomable. Dont you know your own mind, Bella?I do. I just valued to be sure.Im only as sure as you are, Bella. You know that. If you were to change your mind, what I see would change . . . or disappear, in your case.I sighed. That isnt going to happen, though.She put her arms around me. Im sorry. I cant really empathize. My first memory is of seeing Jaspers f ace in my future I always knew that he was where my life was headed. only I can sympathize. Im so sorry you nonplus to choose between two honorable things.I shook off her arms. Dont feel sorry for me. There were people who deserved sympathy. I wasnt one of them. And there wasnt any choice to make there was just breaking a good heart to dish out to now. Ill go deal with Charlie.I drove my truck home, where Charlie was wait just as suspiciously as Alice had expected.Hey, Bella. How was your shopping trip? he greeted me when I walked into the kitchen. He had his arms folded over his chest, his eyes on my face.Long, I said dully. We just got hindquarters.Charlie assessed my mood. I guess you already heard about Jake, then?Yes. The rest of the Cullens fetch us home. Esme told us where Carlisle and Edward were.Are you okay?Worried about Jake. As soon as I make dinner, Im going down to La Push.I told you those motorcycles were dangerous. I hope this makes you realize that I wasnt k idding around.I nodded as I started pulling things out of the fridge. Charlie settled himself in at the table. He seemed to be in a more talkative mood than usual.I dont think you need to irritation about Jake too some(prenominal). Anyone who can cuss with that kind of energy is going to recover.Jake was awake when you saw him? I asked, spinning to look at him.Oh, yeah, he was awake. You should have heard him actually, its better you didnt. I dont think there was anyone in La Push who couldnt hear him. I dont know where he picked up that vocabulary, but I hope he hasnt been using that kind of language around you.He had a pretty good excuse today. How did he look?Messed up. His friends carried him in. Good thing theyre big boys, cause that kids an armful. Carlisle said his right leg is broken, and his right arm. Pretty much the whole right side of his body got crushed when he wrecked that damn bike. Charlie shook his head. If I ever hear of you riding again, Bella -No problem ther e, Dad. You wont. Do you really think Jakes okay?Sure, Bella, dont worry. He was himself enough to tease me.Tease you? I echoed in shock.Yeah in between insulting somebodys stick and taking the Lords name in vain, he said, Bet youre blithe she loves Cullen instead of me today, huh, Charlie?I turned back to the fridge so that he couldnt see my face.And I couldnt argue. Edwards more mature than Jacob when it comes to your safety, Ill give him that much.Jacobs plenty mature, I muttered defensively. Im sure this wasnt his fault.Weird day today, Charlie mused later on a minute. You know, I dont put much stock in that superstitious crap, but it was odd. . . . It was like Billy knew something bad was going to happen to Jake. He was nervous as a turkey on Thanksgiving all morning. I dont think he heard anything I said to him.And then, weirder than that remember back in February and March when we had all that trouble with the wolves?I bent down to get a frying pan out of the cupboard, a nd hid there an extra second or two.Yeah, I mumbled.I hope were not going to have a problem with that again. This morning, we were out in the boat, and Billy wasnt paying any attention to me or the fish, when all of a sudden, you could hear wolves yowling in the woods. much than one, and, boy, was it loud. Sounded like they were right there in the village. Weirdest part was, Billy turned the boat around and headed straight back to the harbor like they were calling to him individual(prenominal)ly. Didnt even hear me ask what he was doing.The noise stopped before we got the boat docked. plainly all of a sudden Billy was in the biggest hurry not to get by the game, though we had hours still. He was mumbling some nonsense about an earlier showing . . . of a live game? I tell you, Bella, it was odd.Well, he found some game he said he wanted to watch, but then he just ignored it. He was on the phone the whole time, calling Sue, and Emily, and your friend Quils grandpa. Couldnt quite m ake out what he was looking for he just chatted real casual with them. and so the howling started again right outside the house. Ive never heard anything like it I had goose bumps on my arms. I asked Billy had to shout over the noise if hed been setting traps in his yard. It sounded like the animal was in serious pain.I winced, but Charlie was so caught up in his story that he didnt notice.Course I forgot all about that till just this minute, cause thats when Jake do it home. One minute it was that animate being yowling, and then you couldnt hear it anymore Jakes cussing drowned it right out. Got a set of lungs on him, that boy does.Charlie paused for a minute, his face thoughtful. Funny that some good should come out of this mess. I didnt think they were ever going to get over that fool prejudice they have against the Cullens down there. But somebody called Carlisle, and Billy was real agreeable when he showed up. I thought we should get Jake up to the hospital, but Billy w anted to keep him home, and Carlisle hold. I guess Carlisle knows whats best.Generous of him to sign up for such a long stretch of house calls.And . . . he paused, as if unwilling to say something. He sighed, and then continued. And Edward was really . . . courteous. He seemed as worried about Jacob as you are like that was his brother lying there. The look in his eyes . . . Charlie shook his head. Hes a decent guy, Bella. Ill try to remember that. No promises, though. He grinned at me.I wont hold you to it, I mumbled.Charlie stretched his legs and groaned. Its nice to be home. You wouldnt believe how crowded Billys little place gets. Seven of Jakes friends all squished themselves into that little front room I could hardly breathe. Have you ever noticed how big those Quileute kids all are?Yeah, I have.Charlie stared at me, his eyes abruptly more focused. Really, Bella, Carlisle said Jake will be up and around in no time. Said it looked a lot worse than it was. Hes going to be f ine.I just nodded.Jacob had looked so . . . queerly fragile when Id hurried down to see him as soon as Charlie had left over(p). Hed had braces everywhere Carlisle said there was no point in plaster, as fast as he was healing. His face had been grisly and drawn, deeply unconscious though he was at the time. Breakable. Huge as he was, hed looked very breakable. mayhap that had just been my imagination, coupled with the knowledge that I was going to have to break him.If only I could be struck by lightning and be split in two. Preferably painfully. For the first time, giving up being human felt like a true sacrifice. Like it big businessman be too much to lose.I put Charlies dinner on the table next to his elbow and headed for the door.Er, Bella? Could you wait just a second?Did I forget something? I asked, eyeing his plate.No, no. I just . . . want to ask a favor. Charlie frowned and looked at the floor. Have a seat this wont take long.I sat across from him, a little confused. I tried to focus. What do you need, Dad?Heres the gist of it, Bella. Charlie flushed. Maybe Im just feeling . . . superstitious after hanging out with Billy while he was being so strange all day. But I have this . . . hunch. I feel like . . . Im going to lose you soon.Dont be silly, Dad, I mumbled guiltily. You want me to go to school, dont you?Just promise me one thing.I was hesitant, ready to rescind. Okay . . . entrust you tell me before you do anything major? Before you run off with him or something?Dad . . . , I moaned.Im serious. I wont cringe up a fuss. Just give me some advance notice. Give me a chance to stuff you goodbye.Cringing mentally, I held up my hand. This is silly. But, if it makes you happy, . . . I promise.Thanks, Bella, he said. I love you, kid.I love you, too, Dad. I touched his shoulder, and then shoved away from the table. If you need anything, Ill be at Billys.I didnt look back as I ran out. This was just perfect, just what I needed right now. I grumbled t o myself all the way to La Push.Carlisles b wish Mercedes was not in front of Billys house. That was both good and bad. Obviously, I needed to talk to Jacob alone. even I still wished I could somehow hold Edwards hand, like I had before, when Jacob was unconscious. Impossible. But I lose Edward it had seemed like a very long afternoon alone with Alice. I supposed that made my answer quite obvious. I already knew that I couldnt live without Edward. That fact wasnt going to make this any less painful.I tapped quietly on the front door.Come in, Bella, Billy said. The roar of my truck was easy to recognize.I let myself in.Hey, Billy. Is he awake? I asked.He woke up about a half hour ago, just before the doctor left. Go on in. I think hes been postponement for you.I flinched, and then took a deep breath. Thanks.I hesitated at the door to Jacobs room, not sure whether to knock. I decided to shine first, hoping coward that I was that maybe hed gone back to sleep. I felt like I could use just a few more minutes.I opened the door a crack and leaned hesitantly in.Jacob was waiting for me, his face calm and smooth. The haggard, gaunt look was gone, but only a careful blankness took its place. There was no animation in his dark eyes.It was hard to look at his face, knowing that I loved him. It made more of a difference than I would have thought. I wondered if it had always been this hard for him, all this time.Thankfully, somebody had covered him with a quilt. It was a relief not to have to see the extent of the damage.I stepped in and shut the door quietly behind me.Hi, Jake, I murmured.He didnt answer at first. He looked at my face for a long moment. Then, with some effort, he rearranged his scene into a slightly mocking smile.Yeah, I sort of thought it might be like that. He sighed. Today has definitely taken a turn for the worse. First I pick the wrong place, miss the best fight, and Seth gets all the glory. Then Leah has to be an idiot trying to prove shes as tough as the rest of us and I have to be the idiot who saves her. And now this. He waved his left hand toward me where I hesitated by the door.How are you feeling? I mumbled. What a stupid question.A little stoned. Dr. Fang isnt sure how much pain medicine I need, so hes going with trial and error. Think he overdid it.But youre not in pain.No. At least, I cant feel my injuries, he said, smiling mockingly again.I bit my lip. I was never going to get through this. Why didnt anyone ever try to kill me when I wanted to overhaul?The wry humor left his face, and his eyes warmed up. His forehead creased, like he was worried.How about you? he asked, sounding really concerned. Are you okay?Me? I stared at him. Maybe he had taken too many do drugss. Why?Well, I mean, I was pretty sure that he wouldnt actually hurt you, but I wasnt sure how bad it was going to be. Ive been going a little crazy with worrying about you ever since I woke up. I didnt know if you were going to be allowed to visi t or anything. The suspense was terrible. How did it go? Was he mean to you? Im sorry if it was bad. I didnt mean for you to have to go through that alone. I was thinking Id be there. . . .It took me a minute to even understand. He babbled on, looking more and more awkward, until I got what he was saying. Then I hurried to reassure him.No, no, Jake Im fine. Too fine, really. Of course he wasnt mean. I wishHis eyes widened in what looked like horror. What?He wasnt even mad at me he wasnt even mad at you Hes so unselfish it makes me feel even worse. I wish he would have yelled at me or something. Its not like I dont deserve . . . well, much worse that getting yelled at. But he doesnt care. He just wants me to be happy.He wasnt mad? Jacob asked, incredulous.No. He was . . . much too kind.Jacob stared for another minute, and then he suddenly frowned. Well, damn he growled.Whats wrong, Jake? Does it hurt? My hands fluttered uselessly as I looked around for his medication.No, he grumble d in a disgusted tone. I cant believe this He didnt give you an ultimatum or anything?Not even close whats wrong with you?He scowled and shook his head. I was sort of numerate on his reaction. Damn it all. Hes better than I thought.The way he said it, though angrier, reminded me of Edwards tribute to Jacobs lack of ethics in the tent this morning. Which meant that Jake was still hoping, still fighting. I winced as that stabbed deep.Hes not playing any game, Jake, I said quietly.You bet he is. Hes playing every bit as hard as I am, only he knows what hes doing and I dont. Dont blame me because hes a better manipulator than I am I havent been around long enough to learn all his tricks.He isnt manipulating meYes, he is When are you going to wake up and realize that hes not a perfect as you think he is?At least he didnt threaten to kill himself to make me kiss him, I snapped. As soon as the words were out, I flushed with chagrin. Wait. Pretend that didnt slip out. I swore to myself t hat I wasnt going to say anything about that.He took a deep breath. When he spoke, he was calmer. Why not?Because I didnt come here to blame you for anything.Its true, though, he said evenly. I did do that.I dont care, Jake. Im not mad.He smiled. I dont care, either. I knew youd forgive me, and Im glad I did it. Id do it again. At least I have that much. At least I made you see that you do love me. Thats worth something.Is it? Is it really better than if I was still in the dark?Dont you think you ought to know how you feel just so that it doesnt take you by surprisal someday when its too late and youre a married vampire?I shook my head. No I didnt mean better for me. I meant better for you. Does it make things better or worse for you, having me know that Im in love with you? When it doesnt make a difference either way. Would it have been better, easier for you, if I never clued in?He took my question as seriously as Id meant it, thinking carefully before he answered. Yes, its bett er to have you know, hefinally decided. If you hadnt figured it out . . . Id have always wondered if your decision would have been different if you had. Now I know. I did everything I could. He dragged in an unsteady breath, and unappealing his eyes.This time I did not could not stand the urge to comfort him. I crossed the small room and kneeled by his head, afraid to sit on the bed in case I jostled it and hurt him, and leaned in to touch my forehead to his cheek.Jacob sighed, and put his hand on my hair, holding me there.Im so sorry, Jake.I always knew this was a long shot. Its not your fault, Bella.Not you, too, I moaned. Please.He pulled away to look at me. What?It is my fault. And Im so sick of being told its not.He grinned. It didnt touch his eyes. You want me to haul you over the coals?Actually . . . I think I do.He pursed his lips as he deliberate how much I meant it. A smile flashed across his face briefly, and then he twisted his expression into a fierce scowl.Kissing me back like that was inexcusable. He spit the words at me. If you knew you were just going to take it back, maybe you shouldnt have been quite so convincing about it.I winced and nodded. Im so sorry.Sorry doesnt make anything better, Bella. What were you thinking?I wasnt, I talk.You should have told me to go die. Thats what you want.No, Jacob, I whimpered, fighting against the bud tears. No Never.Youre not crying? he demanded, his voice suddenly back to its normal tone. He twitched impatiently on the bed.Yeah, I muttered, laughing weakly at myself through the tears that were suddenly sobs.He shifted his weight, throwing his good leg off the bed as if he were going to try to stand.What are you doing? I demanded through the tears. Lie down, you idiot, youll hurt yourself I jumped to my feet and pushed his good shoulder down with two hands.He surrendered, leaning back with a gasp of pain, but he grabbed me around my waist and pulled me down on the bed, against his good side. I curle d up there, trying to stifle the silly sobs against his hot skin. I cant believe youre crying, he mumbled. You know I just said those things because you wanted me to. I didnt mean them. His hand rubbed against my shoulders.I know. I took a deep, ragged breath, trying to control myself. How did I end up being the one crying while he did the comforting? Its all still true, though. Thanks for saying it out loud.Do I get points for making you cry?Sure, Jake. I tried to smile. As many as you want.Dont worry, Bella, honey. Its all going to work out.I dont see how, I muttered.He patted the top of my head. Im going to give in and be good.More games? I wondered, tilting my chin so that I could see his face.Maybe. He laughed with a bit of effort, and then winced. But Im going to try.I frowned.Dont be so pessimistic, he complained. Give me a little credit.What do you mean by be good?Ill be your friend, Bella, he said quietly. I wont ask for more than that.I think its too late for that, Jake. H ow can we be friends, when we love each other like this?He looked at the ceiling, his stare intent, as if he were reading something that was written there. Maybe . . . it will have to be a long-distance friendship.I clenched my teeth together, glad he wasnt looking at my face, fighting against the sobs that be to overtake me again. I needed to be strong, and I had no idea how. . . .You know that story in the Bible? Jacob asked suddenly, still reading the blank ceiling. The one with the king and the two women fighting over the baby?Sure. King Solomon.Thats right. King Solomon, he repeated. And he said, cut the kid in half . . . but it was only a test. Just to see who would give up their share to protect it.Yeah, I remember.He looked back at my face. Im not going to cut you in half anymore, Bella.I understood what he was saying. He was telling me that he loved me the most, that his surrender proved it. I wanted to defend Edward, to tell Jacob how Edward would do the same thing if I w anted, if I would let him. I was the one who wouldnt renounce my claim there. But there was no point in starting an argument that would only hurt him more.I closed my eyes, willing myself to control the pain. I couldnt impose that on him.We were quiet for a moment. He seemed to be waiting for me to say something I was trying to think of something to say.Can I tell you what the worst part is? he asked hesitantly when I said nothing. Do you mind? I am going to be good.Will it help? I whispered.It might. It couldnt hurt.Whats the worst part, then?The worse part is knowing what would have been.What might have been. I sighed.No. Jacob shook his head. Im exactly right for you, Bella. It would have been effortless for us comfortable, easy as breathing. I was the natural path your life would have taken. . . . He stared into space for a moment, and I waited. If the world was the way it was supposed to be, if there were no monsters and no magic . . .I could see what he saw, and I knew that h e was right. If the world was the sane place it was supposed to be, Jacob and I would have been together. And we would have been happy. He was my nous mate in that world would have been my soul mate still if his claim had not been overshadowed by something stronger, something so strong that it could not exist in a rational world.Was it out there for Jacob, too? Something that would trump a soul mate? I had to believe that it was.Two futures, two soul twosome . . . too much for any one person. And so unfair that I wouldnt be the only one to pay for it. Jacobs pain seemed too high a price. Cringing at the thought of that price, I wondered if I would have wavered, if I hadnt lost Edward once. If I didnt know what it was like to live without him. I wasnt sure. That knowledge was so deep a part of me, I couldnt imagine how I would feel without it.Hes like a drug for you, Bella. His voice was still gentle, not at all critical. I see that you cant live without him now. Its too late. But I would have been healthier for you. Not a drug I would have been the air, the sun.The corner of my utter turned up in a wistful half-smile. I used to think of you that way, you know. Like the sun. My personal sun. You balanced out the clouds nicely for me.He sighed. The clouds I can handle. But I cant fight with an eclipse.I touched his face, laying my hand against his cheek. He exhaled at my touch and closed his eyes. It was very quiet. For a minute I could hear the beating of his heart, slow and even.Tell me the worst part for you, he whispered.I think that might be a bad idea.Please.I think it will hurt.Please.How could I deny him anything at this point?The worst part . . . I hesitated, and then let words spill out in a flood of truth. The worst part is that I saw the whole thing our whole life. And I want it bad, Jake, I want it all. I want to stay right here and never move. I want to love you and make you happy. And I cant, and its killing me. Its like Sam and Emily, Jake I never had a choice. I always knew nothing would change. Maybe thats wherefore I was fighting against you so hard.He seemed to be concentrating on breathing evenly.I knew I shouldnt have told you that.He shook his head slowly. No. Im glad you did. Thank you. He kissed the top of my head, and then he sighed. Ill be good now.I looked up, and he was smiling.So youre going to get married, huh?We dont have to talk about that.Id like to know some of the details. I dont know when Ill talk to you again.I had to wait for a minute before I could speak. When I was pretty sure that my voice wouldnt break, I answered his question.Its not really my idea . . . but, yes. It means a lot to him. I figure, why not?Jake nodded. Thats true. Its not such a big thing in comparison.His voice was very calm, very practical. I stared at him, curious about how he was managing, and that ruined it. He met my eyes for a second, and then twisted his head away. I waited to speak until his breathing was under con trol.Yes. In comparison, I agreed.How long do you have left?That depends on how long it takes Alice to pull a wedding together. I suppressed a groan, imagining what Alice would do.Before or after? he asked quietly.I knew what he meant. After.He nodded. This was a relief to him. I wondered how many sleepless nights the thought of my graduation had given him.Are you scared? he whispered.Yes, I whispered back.What are you afraid of? I could barely hear his voice now. He stared down at my hands. lot of things. I worked to make my voice lighter, but I stayed honest. Ive never been much of a masochist, so Im not looking forward to the pain. And I wish there was some way to keep him away I dont want him to suffer with me, but I dont think theres any way around it. Theres dealing with Charlie, too, and Rene. . . . And then afterward, I hope Ill be able to control myself soon. Maybe Ill be such a imperil that the pack will have to take me out.He looked up with a disapproving expression. Id hamstring any one of my brothers who tried.Thanks.He smiled halfheartedly. Then he frowned. But isnt it more dangerous than that? In all of the stories, they say its too hard . . . they lose control . . . people die. . . . He gulped.No, Im not afraid of that. Silly Jacob dont you know better than to believe vampire stories?He obviously didnt appreciate my attempt at humor.Well, anyway, lots to worry about. But worth it, in the end.He nodded unwillingly, and I knew that he in no way agreed with me.I stretched my neck up to whisper in his ear, laying my cheek against his warm skin. You know I love you.I know, he breathed, his arm tightening automatically around my waist. You know how much I wish it was enough.Yes.Ill always be waiting in the wings, Bella, he promised, lightening his tone and loosening his arm. I pulled away with a dull, dragging sense of loss, feeling the tearing separation as I left a part of me behind, there on the bed next to him. Youll always have that spare pl ectrum if you want it.I made an effort to smile. Until my heart stops beating.He grinned back. You know, I think maybe Id still take you maybe. I guess that depends on how much you stink.Should I come back to see you? Or would you rather I didnt?Ill think it through and get back to you, he said. I might need the company to keep from going crazy. The vampire surgeon extraordinaire says I cant phase until he gives the okay it might mess up the way the bones are set. Jacob made a face.Be good and do what Carlisle tells you to do. Youll get well faster.Sure, sure.I wonder when it will happen, I said. When the right girl is going to catch your eye.Dont get your hopes up, Bella. Jacobs voice was abruptly sour. Though Im sure it would be a relief for you.Maybe, maybe not. I probably wont think shes good enough for you. I wonder how jealous Ill be.That part might be kind of fun, he admitted.Let me know if you want me to come back, and Ill be here, I promised.With a sigh, he turned his che ek toward me.I leaned in and kissed his face softly. Love you, Jacob.He laughed lightly. Love you more.He watched me walk out of his room with an unfathomable expression in his black eyes.